I love writing. And I love having this space where I can publish what I write with the click of a button. I love that I can package my content in the design I choose. And I love that I can hear directly from my readers right here, where the content is.
“Um … Isn’t that Blogging?”
No, it’s blogging, which is totally different from Blogging. Blogging is blogging with a briefcase and a greasy salesman’s smile. It’s cubicle blogging. I hate everything about it, especially these 4 things that social media “experts” insist any self-respecting Blogger must do:
- Create Conversations I took this to mean “cultivate meaningful dialogue with readers‘. Isn’t it cute how I thought that? I’m pretty naive for a mistrustful, misanthropic ass. Because after all this time observing Good Bloggers and trying hard to become one myself, I now know that when the self-proclaimed experts advise you to create conversations what they mean is ‘pretend to care about what other people think in order to manipulate readers into feeling personally invested in your content.’
- Stay Visible Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn. Digg, StumbleUpon, Delicious, Reddit. Those are just a few of the social networking sites Good Bloggers
spamfrequent to promote their largely bad to mediocre crapawesome content. They also comment on other blogs (and then blog about the fact that they commented on another blog), write guest posts, link back to themselves in forums and otherwise make huge nuisances of themselves in an effort to keep the readers they have and wrangle in more.
- Share the Love Social media marketing is really just a massive circle jerk. I know that’s a super gross metaphor but sadly, it fits. Take Twitter for example: a Good Blogger tweets links to other Bloggers’ content as well as their own. Then the linked Blogger should retweet it, with a hearty “thanks!” thrown in. This is supposed to be “networking” but really it’s just spamming your timeline with even more crap in hopes that you’ll get a new follower or a Klout point out of the deal.
- Publish Consistently You really should have a schedule if you’re going to be a Blogger. Your readers need to feel assured that they can rely on you to pony up your narcissistic bullshit in a timely manner. What will they do if they can’t read about yesterday’s appointment with your therapist while they’re having lunch, as usual? They’ll hate you, obviously. And they’ll unsubscribe and your Google Page Rank will dwindle down to nothing, nada, zero and you’ll die alone and unhappy and wearing unfashionable shoes.
In Other Words, Nothing – Not Even Your Content – Is As Important As Getting More and More and More Readers
It took me a long time to realize that no matter how palatably they’re presented, all of these things share one, excruciatingly boring purpose: increase readership. (I know, super duh.) And I guess I consider my readership a gift. I mean, I’m not curing cancer here. I’m sitting in my pajamas, munching on a pop-tart, and publishing my thoughts on a topic that doesn’t even concern most of the world. And I like it. It’s fun. But trying to get people to read what I write ? That’s not fun. It’s boring. And vain. And I hate it.
(But honestly, I’ve never heard any writer ever say, “Gee, you know what’s super fun? Promotion. The gimmicks, the networking, the whole nine yards. Gosh, it’s great!” Have you?)
So screw my Google Page Rank. (I think it’s like a 2 anyway, so not a lot to lose.) Twitter, Shitter. Not doing it. I dig Facebook and I actually use it regularly so that won’t change. But Holly, what about your Klout rating! LA LA LA DON’T CARE. Guest posts? Nope, not doing them. They stress me out and I always miss deadlines and then I feel like a huge douche. StumbleUpon? Google+? This is me, not caring:
This post is well over the stringently recommended 350-500 word count limit. But I don’t wear fashionable shoes anyway.