I write about what Dissociative Identity Disorder is like for me. But DID doesn’t affect just those with the disorder. DID impacts the lives of friends, family, co-workers, etc. We don’t often hear from those people. Today I’m honored to share with you a guest post written by my partner, Tracy.
I met this woman by accident.. I wasn’t looking for new friends, definitely not looking for romance, yet that’s how it happens right? It didn’t take long to realize I was rather enamored with her. She’s brilliant. Beautiful. Compassionate. It didn’t take long to realize that I had strong feelings for her and it didn’t take long after that for her to disclose, very painfully, that she was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I didn’t know much about DID at the time. I had read the usual “literature,” seen a movie depiction or two. I resolved to learn all I could as we entered into a relationship.
You can read every book ever published on Dissociative Identity Disorder, and not quite know how it works. I’ve learned that every DID system operates differently and a lot of unexpected should be expected. Even today, a few years later, I sometimes forget to remember this.
My experience of DID has felt something like taking off with your partner to a family reunion. (Possibly a very long family reunion.) You show up – best foot forward – eager to meet everyone and make a good impression. It’s easy to do, for the most part. You just show your best self, schmooze a little; as long as your partner is there … by your side at first … checking in as you get somewhat comfortable. But eventually they’re going to run off with their favorite cousin. You might be standing around on your own for a long time. It’s easy enough to make small talk with the various family members that introduce themselves, easy to make chat with the eccentric aunties, acknowledge the various kids in the yard, start to get to know fun-loving siblings. Eventually though, if your partner doesn’t come back, the anchor to your existence in that setting can feel a little loose.
I always expect that anchor to loosen. My partner always comes back, always grounds me when she does. But sometimes it’s a long wait, and sometimes it’s a short visit. The waits have brought some of my own dark issues to light.
Learning about Dissociative Identity Disorder, and learning about my partner, has brought out the best and the worst in me. I am a big fan of emotional intelligence study. In fact, I teach it to others. There are times when I just can’t muster, and times I fall apart. In good times, I simply miss my partner. Other times my own pathologies get in the way of responding with, ‘oh that’s just eccentric Uncle Bob’ intelligently and responsibly. In that way I’m grateful for how DID impacts my life. I have a constant reminder of the things I need to work on within myself. It’s not a small list for any of us.
My partner and I both give up, in moments, here and there. That’s the price we pay for living with Dissociative Identity Disorder. While those are the most painful moments, we seem to be learning better, as we pick up our heavy anchors together, how to move forward.
Hi Tracy,
Glad Holly could get you to post something. She said she was going to try. Thanks for sharing!
Sam
What kept you from running out the door when you found out Holly had DID?
Sam,
I was honored that Holly allowed me to share in her blog. I’m very proud of the work she’s doing and lucky to be a small part of it here. Thank you for reading!
Tracy
@IAmEchad..
Your question made me chuckle thinking back to the beginnings of our relationship. It isn’t so much that I was kept from running out the door, but rather it took me a long time to step fully inside the door, close it, and say ok, here I am.. all the way in.
What eventually “kept” me, and what keeps me is Holly. What you read here is Holly’s experience with DID, which is one piece of her life, and now mine. There are a million other things about Holly that make it well worth not running out the door. There are a million other parts and pieces of our life together that help us balance the difficulties that DID brings to the table.
Tracy
Thank you for posting this!
I think the part about it that gets me is that “darkest” parts of DID. These are the things that have to be kept secret. The things my wife will and sound never know.
thank you for posting this. it’s good to know that it is possible to find a partner who isn’t interested in manipulating the person with DID.
Very good post. I am happy for you and Holly! Nancy
“The twinkle in my eye” lives with DID, something I figured out from hints we think maybe her alters dropped! I have been reading up on DID and am so glad to have found some info on partners of those with DID at long last. (I take great exception to Benjamin & Benjamin’s ideas that all partners of folks living their life with alters carry only negative attributes to the relationship.) There are many additional complications to our relationship: DID is just one of the more interesting. But I rejoice often at having her in my life, and cry sometimes, too. Thanks so much for your website…SO’s of DID folks need an online support group!
Karen
Western MA
Hi Karen,
I agree that SO’s of those with Dissociative Identity Disorder need more support and resources than is available. One thing I’ve noticed over the years, though, is that partners who fully accept their partner’s DID and take an active, healthy interest in learning about it, finding support for themselves, etc. are rare. More often than not, what I hear from people with DID is that their partners don’t really understand, haven’t bothered to educate themselves, and aren’t particularly interested. Occasionally it’s the opposite: their partners are inappropriately invested in DID and have taken on the role of caretaker, creating unhealthy relationships with alters and, in my opinion, are more interested in feeling important/special than in developing a healthy, balanced, adult relationship. In my experience, in other words, you are the exception, not the rule. So the fact that there are little to no resources specifically for partners is really no surprise.
But what strikes me most about your comment is that you say you “figured out” your partner has Dissociative Identity Disorder. Has she not been diagnosed? I wouldn’t assume she has DID until a skilled, experienced clinician has administered diagnostic tests and come to that conclusion.
Thanks for reading, Karen. I hope to hear from you again.
Hello again! (I think I’ll be spending LOTS of time checking out these posts!)
Ladies: do you or anyone else know of a USA based online support group for SO’s/partners of those challenged by DID? PODS is out of England, and they are the only one I have found. I guess in this electronic age distance should not matter, but…
I know this is stretching things, but it would be particularly helpful if subscribers could tell up front if the group is LGBT friendly. There is a “general” LGBT caregivers list serve but a)no one has ever mentioned living with the challenges ( an fun!) DID can provide in a relationship and b) I do not see myself necessarily as a caregiver in this instance. Maybe we can set something up as an offshoot of the LGBT group?
Thanks for your site!
Karen
western MA
i’m in a relationship with a wonderfull woman that has DID and sometimes it’s a nightmare for me because i don’t know what to do, so i would be thankful for all advice that i can get
Karen,
I’m a member of PODS but since I live in the USA they won’t let me on their discussion board (their way of keeping the group smaller, I guess). Anyway, good luck finding something for SO’s. My little blog is geared to giving ideas to help your spouse/partner heal. It’s not LGBT per se, but I have plenty of people who read my blog that would be from that group. It’s not a support group, though. I wish I could find one too, but I seem to be an anomoly for a man.
Sam
samruck2.wordpress.com
Oh, yes! My twinkle was officially diagnosed about 10 years ago and is in intense therapy. She has been with “Dr Mr P” about 3 years, I regret that they have had to re-address making safety again, something my beloved needs before they can really start working the “yuck”.
I have already learned that trying to be uber-caregiver is not healthy for anyone concerned. I am there as she or the alters need me, but openness, communication and respect are the basic tenets of our relationship. No one wants to be defined by an illness: I love her for her, no matter which part of her is out, though she has set clear rules with them about “private time with Miss Karen” & when they can/cannot come out…which they stick to!
To help myself when times get rocky, I have started collecting “Frederick Moments” (based on an idea from Leo Lionni’s children’s book), quips and tender words we exchange when things are good to wonderful, to tuck away for not-so-happy times. It also includes poetry, songs and famous quotes. My therapist has said she’ll go over the notes in my file to see if there is anything I might want to include that I have shared with her. I think having these anchors will help through some of the loneliness or sense of abandonment that SO’s of DID folks inevitably feel at times.
Anyone who is out to be a hero or martyr when loving someone living their life as a multiple needs to get out now. It can be scary, but should not scare one away! Our loved ones do not need someone by their side, ready to rip open their shirt to expose some icon. They want life as close to normal as possible and someone who will be with them through the “yuck” AND the great times.
Hi,
My question(s) is this…what about when there is un healthy and unsafe issues going on involving the alters, and the host(hate that name) is not dealing with the seriousness of this. My partner has LOTS of minimizing and living in denial, yet she is aware of her dx and accepts this is her life. When I try to talk to her about bad behavior (drug use and illegal activity) that is unsafe to her and our family…it is pushed under a rug and the alter says it wont happen again (which it does or another version of it). My girl seems to still live in her own world. I have been dug in for over 2 years now…but the unhealthiness and safety issues concern me, especially when there are children involved. And no, she is currently not in therapy because she chooses not to. I am worried about her and love her very much, but not sure what else can be done. Is a line ever drawn?
Hi Jen,
There are plenty of difficulties that are unique to life with a partner who has Dissociative Identity Disorder. What you’ve described here isn’t one of them.
Some people engage in risky, self-destructive behaviors that put themselves and their families at risk. Some people don’t. Some people stay in relationships that are fraught with this kind of difficulty, continually trying to help their partner only to hear empty promises that things will change, that “it won’t happen again.” Some people choose to leave. That’s not a DID issue.
And lines are drawn, yes … by people who choose to draw them. If drug use, illegal activity and a staunch refusal to get help aren’t deal-breakers for you, then I don’t imagine you’ll choose to draw that line. It really has nothing at all to do with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Jen:
First of all, no one should stay in an unhealthy relationship for any reason. Having said that, “DID is an explanation, NOT an excuse”. If there are safety issues involved–you mentioned children–as well as possible legal ramifications, I am concerned there is a HUGE elephant in your living room. Sounds like a serious conversation is due between you & your partner & possibly therapy for all concerned….yup, even the kids.
No one can ever know all the details of our individual personal lives, and life with a multiple has proportionately more details
. Having said that, a therapist or even the core/host him/herself (whatever you choose to call your loved one), can develop “tools & rules” to help all concerned. My beloved taught herself how to negotiate with & help the alters find answers to their myriad of questions (It took a long while for her to find a therapist who would work with her). It takes acknowledgement of the need, discipline and lots of hard work, but this can be achieved. For example, her alters know they have an allowance & price check & ask if they might go over their limit (they love flea markets), go to their rooms when we are having “private time”, can rely on the fact that they will be rewarded/have their needs met in specific (appropriate) ways if they are under duress: routine but NOT ritual is so important to them. They know my beloved or I will explain things to them and support their thirst & hesitations as we share new experiences. In return, she has good multiple way communication, doesn’t do anything illegal or dangerous, and has grown so much as the alters’ world grows.
Good news for me? Her protector in particular has been my mentor helping me to learn about my loved one: telling me bits of their history, how to support as needed during a “bad time” when my sweetie is “working it”, seeing the world through different eyes, etc. I have also learned to slow my oftentimes hectic self down when I sense they need to have a mini-round table to make decisions or to help give/get explanations about things.
Loving a multiple is tender, challenging, maddening, fun, tearful, touched mostly by surprises and disappointment sometimes, but in the end, we love that person, and come to accept the sometimes unpredictable nature of life with the alters.
Karen
Hello. I have been recently diagnosed with DID. My husband is having a hard time understanding. He is a very patient person, but it is difficult when we have conversations that later I have no clue about. He gets frustrated like anyone would, misses me and feels lonely sometimes. These have always been struggles for us, but now because he has a name for it, he is trying to “cure” it.
He needs some support and guidance (and reassurance). Please if someone could have the heart to let him know their struggles and frustrations, as well as the fact that I am not doing this “on purpose” I would be very grateful. I don’t know if my DID is a little different (I’ve never known anyone with it and thought it was normal), but my alters argue and I can hear them just like they were people in my living room. (I thought that’s what everyone’s conscience was). They “fight” to come out and they have their own goals. Sometimes I am aware of it and I feel helpless to stop or control what is happening and sometimes I have no memory of what has gone on. I get very tired and have no real reason, except that they have drained me. He wants to help me, and I in turn want to find help for him. Please if someone could ease his mind and perhaps shine a little light to make things easier for him. I love him with all my heart and hate to make his life difficult.
Tracy,
My wife has d.i.d. Your husband is welcome to come over to my blog if he wants to talk. It is hard, but my girls have made a lot of progress.
Sam
Thank you so much Sam! I will let him read this and respond to you. He really needs someone to talk to who understands.
have been diagnosed with DID, and im a 22 year old female. I have been in a relationship for two years and I lied to my partner and ultimatley cheated on him before being diagnosed. I do not blame what I have done on DID, but after doing much research (i was only diagnosed two months ago and ignored my treatment plan as I was convinced it was fake), I have realised why things went the way they did and I want to take steps to have him trust me and be with me again to help me through this. How do you cope with your partners DID when one of her alters makes a decision that affects you negitively? I find it so hard to explain to him that I cant remember what i’ve agreed to or that ive done something when not feeling myself but he says it’s an excuse.
Thanks, Ellen