A friend of mine is fond of quoting from an Adrienne Rich poem entitled Prospective Immigrants Please Note, “The door itself makes no promises. It is only a door.” Indeed, opportunity is only that. No matter the preparation, there is no way to know what life will be like on the other side of any door until we actually cross the threshold.
I’ve thought a lot lately about disclosure; and while there is relief in considering coming out of the closet as someone with DID, I can’t predict with real accuracy whether doing so will truly be the relief I envision.
Every mental health professional I’ve ever seen since being diagnosed with DID has advised me in no uncertain terms to be very wary about disclosing my diagnosis. Each of them would strenuously caution me to reveal my diagnosis only to those on a need-to-know basis, and only after objectively considering if they genuinely need to know. I seriously doubt any of them would support even blogging in anonymity. After all, true anonymity is a hard thing to come by.
Are all these professionals simply overly cautious pansies? Hardly. These are people who have helped many a client to remember their worth after disclosing their diagnosis and experiencing a painful rejection as a result. They also know better than most the very real stigma that accompanies mental disorders and how marginalizing that stigma can feel.
Then there’s the other side of the coin: fascination, which is a form of rejection in and of itself. When others express interest in me because of DID, they are seeing DID first and me second. Or third. Or fiftieth. And that kind of fascination begs the question: if I didn’t have DID, would they be this interested in me?
Beyond all of that is the reality that I am not my diagnosis. And with a diagnosis as heavily laden with mythology as DID is, it’s easy for both someone with DID and those that know them to lose sight of the very real human being at the center of the large shadow their diagnosis casts.
Let’s also not forget that awkward and sometimes humiliating faux pas, the overshare. It’s important, I believe, to pay attention to the line between appropriate candor and outright exhibitionism. Authenticity is one thing. Attention-seeking is quite another. Motive is important.
With all of this in mind, the question becomes not, “What’s on the other side of the closet door?” but “Can I continue to thrive on this side of the closet door?” If my shoes are too small, I cannot wear them. It doesn’t really matter whether I’ll like a larger pair or not, whether a larger pair will suit me or if all I can find are some embarrassing clunkers that go with nothing I own. I don’t have the option of wearing shoes my feet can’t fit into. Neither do I have the option of living in a way that has become too small for me.
Great post – a lot to think about.
Thank you!
I just wanted to say “hi” and I LOVE your blog. I read the whole thing, LOL!
I found you because of the “blog carnival against child abuse”. I look forward to reading more of your posts!
Thank you for reading! And I appreciate your comment. Pats on the back are highly motivating!
Holly – This totally reminds me of the conversation we had not too long ago about the secrecy of DID being a continuation of the secrecy of abuse. I’m finding it very frustrating and, as you said, kind of a tight fit even by relation – I can’t imagine doing it with myself. I saw your other, “out of the closet” thing today, and Im dazzled?
There was a time when the discomfort of the “tight fit” was preferable to the discomfort of exposure. For me, there came a point when disclosure no longer felt like exposure. It was at that point that the secrecy felt less protective and more insidious. So it isn’t that I feel there is no value in privacy. It’s just that when privacy becomes secrecy and secrecy becomes a burden, it’s worth it to question my motives for continuing to carry it.
I do know that the choice I’ve made is extreme and therefore not for everyone. But I don’t believe that disclosure has to be all or nothing. There have to be places where it’s safe to put that burden down, if only for a while. Not even a pack mule can carry too heavy a load for too long without breaking its back.
As for my “out of the closet” thing, I’m a little dazzled too. It’s a bold move and not one I would have considered making even six months ago.
I think I’d be frustrated too, if I were in your shoes. You’re carrying a lot on your aching back.
“It’s important, I believe, to pay attention to the line between appropriate candor and outright exhibitionism. Authenticity is one thing. Attention-seeking is quite another. Motive is important.”
this is really hard for me because…well, the word “attention” is a big shame filled word for some of us, but other than that…i don’t have much of an “edit” button sometimes…but very rarely do i think “oh, this will shock them” or “hey they will look at me if i tell them this secret”….it is more that i come to a place where i don’t feel like i can continue a story/thought/idea without giving more background…like…kind of “matter of fact” but i have had many many people say that it is because i want to shock people….it is something that confuses me….i know how to shock people and i also know how to get attention….jokes are really my main vehicle for both those things…….
i really just don’t get it, when as far as i know, my motive is to inform, but my “audience” (for lack of a better term) thinks it is for shock value…
ppl confuse me.
This is what I know: other people will draw their own conclusions about my motives. Those conclusions may or may not have anything at all to do with my actual motives. The point I was making with this post, and particularly with the piece of it you quoted, is that YOUR motive is important, not how others perceive your motive.
As long as I’m clear on my intentions, whether we’re talking about disclosing the diagnosis or something else altogether, then it doesn’t much matter what other people assume my intentions to be. Sure, I’d like to be seen exactly for who I am all the time, by everyone. But that’s not going to happen. There are people who don’t even believe DID exists. Those people, if I ever met them, would assume I’m terribly confused, or trying to get attention, or whatever. But so what? I mean, ultimately it just doesn’t matter.
Let’s try something, if you’re game. Let’s consider the potential responses and ask ourselves how we feel about them. We’ll start with this one: “She’s just saying that to get attention.”
Well yeah. I am trying to get attention. I want to increase awareness of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I want to help humanize and demystify DID in both the general public and the mental health community. The mythology surrounding DID helps no one, least of all people with DID. I want to expose the myths and increase understanding of the disorder. Yes, I am trying to draw attention to the reality of DID.
How about you? If someone thinks you’re disclosing your diagnosis just to get attention, what do you think of that?
you know, i really don’t know the answer to that question. well, outwardly i would probably cry because i do that when sad, ashamed, or angry….which feeling the tears would stem from i am not certain.
i would probably go into teacher mode and start beating them about the head and shoulders with my intellect…that or make a joke.
these are kind of default responses really…im really not sure what i would FEEL about it…but the answer is attacked i guess, if all of my possible responses are in some way defensive.
isn’t that interesting?
It is interesting, yes! And good information, I think. If I know that a certain kind of response will leave me feeling attacked, angry, and ashamed, I can navigate disclosing my diagnosis in ways that diminish the likelihood of receiving that response. For example, if a comment like “she’s just trying to get attention” made me feel attacked, I’d be cautious about disclosing my diagnosis to a co-worker who consistently displays a total lack of tolerance for any personal admission, who throws around catch phrases like, “save the drama for your mama!” and just in general isn’t all that empathetic. Or at the very least, if I know that about myself, I can prepare myself for the inevitable dismissive, judgmental response from my co-worker (while remaining open to the possibility that she’d surprise me) and not be blindsided by it.
It’s important to know why I’m disclosing my diagnosis. If I tell someone I have DID because I’m feeling really isolated, lonely and in need of an understanding supporter, that’s fine. Nothing at all wrong with that. But if that’s my motive I’m far more vulnerable than if my motive is simply to inform without the hope or expectation of any particular response. And if I know that ahead of time, I have a much better chance of managing my disclosure in a way that eases that vulnerability and helps me to feel safe.
thank you for the insight. you rock
Hi
I found your blog few days ago. I really appreciate you blogging. Unfortunately I am not at that point yet.
You know, my friend in real life who is DID same as me calls our ‘disorder’ MPG for multiple personality gift, not a disorder at all. It was gift that we were able to dissociate and survive. I don’t think itts a disorder. Abuse was inflicted on us making us use coping mechanisms to survive. We are not disordered or sick. Abusers were and still are.
PeoPle in my life know about me being DID. Not only my therapist. My husband knows, my friends know. And I am not a freak to them. Once they understand how and why it happened, they are ok with it and very supportive. Some friends and my husband choose to get to know insiders and interact with them, even have fun. Some chose not to. Either way is fine with us, and we don’t feel like we have to hide anymore. And people who chose to believe in us and support us understand when we dong remember something happening and we don’t have to try to cover uP, but simply can say ‘ I lost time, I am sorry, someone else was out’ and be understood. If course there are people who look at us funny or think we crazy, etc. But good thing about being open is that we don’t have to keep those people in our lives
I hope you will find
Sorry I hit publish button too soon.
I was going to finish with
I hope you can find people in your life who are true friends and accept you for who you are, DID or not.
And I hope it was ok for me to leave a comment.